I've had a brain wave!
*ding*
How about we attempt a joint Fan Fic!
old ladies rock!
You can add your own characters, make it as lemony as you like (obv) BUT you only get one paragraph at a time!! The next Ho can continue as she likes.
As I'm working on this Stan has worked out how to call me on MSN using this pic
and using a deep voice!!
Very offputting, and I very nearly pissed myself laughing
(Note from Stan: It was hilarious, I'm still giggling about it now ;o) )
*tut @ Stan*
Now where was I???
Soooooooo if you want to play, just copy and paste the previous paragraph so we know where you're starting from and let's see what we can come up with. I'm pretty sure it will be shit fantastic!
(Stan butts in)
Ooh, Ooh! Fab idea Mary, I'll start shall I? Seeing as you suggested it and all ;o)
Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I flipped impatiently from my side, onto my back, huffing with annoyance as I reached down to free the tangled covers that had bunched tightly around my hips. I lay still for at least a minute, willing sleep to find me to speed up the dragging minutes of the night; to cut short the time I needed to wait until I could see him again.
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Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I flipped impatiently from my side, onto my back, huffing with annoyance as I reached down to free the tangled covers that had bunched tightly around my hips. I lay still for at least a minute, willing sleep to find me to speed up the dragging minutes of the night; to cut short the time I needed to wait until I could see him again
If I closed my eyes and let my imagination take over, I could see him here, again, like he had been a few hours before. I could see his face between my legs, between my breasts, and then softly kissing my lips. I could still taste him, and I couldn't wait to savor him again.
Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I flipped impatiently from my side, onto my back, huffing with annoyance as I reached down to free the tangled covers that had bunched tightly around my hips. I lay still for at least a minute, willing sleep to find me to speed up the dragging minutes of the night; to cut short the time I needed to wait until I could see him again
If I closed my eyes and let my imagination take over, I could see him here, again, like he had been a few hours before. I could see his face between my legs, between my breasts, and then softly kissing my lips. I could still taste him, and I couldn't wait to savor him again.
My cell phone rang just then and brought me back to the present. It was my agent reminding me about the upcoming Seventeen magazine photo shoot promoting The Runaways. We went over what time my flight would be leaving London, and then I hung up the phone and set it on the nightstand. I needed a cigarette and a shower, in that order. I put the white t-shirt he had left laying on the edge of the bed on and it hung almost to my knees. I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter from the dresser and headed out onto the balcony off of our hotel room. I lit the cigarette and then looked out over the city. I dreaded going back out "there," but being stuck in here without him would be worse.
Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I flipped impatiently from my side, onto my back, huffing with annoyance as I reached down to free the tangled covers that had bunched tightly around my hips. I lay still for at least a minute, willing sleep to find me to speed up the dragging minutes of the night; to cut short the time I needed to wait until I could see him again
If I closed my eyes and let my imagination take over, I could see him here, again, like he had been a few hours before. I could see his face between my legs, between my breasts, and then softly kissing my lips. I could still taste him, and I couldn't wait to savor him again.
My cell phone rang just then and brought me back to the present. It was my agent reminding me about the upcoming Seventeen magazine photo shoot promoting The Runaways. We went over what time my flight would be leaving London, and then I hung up the phone and set it on the nightstand. I needed a cigarette and a shower, in that order. I put the white t-shirt he had left laying on the edge of the bed on and it hung almost to my knees. I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter from the dresser and headed out onto the balcony off of our hotel room. I lit the cigarette and then looked out over the city. I dreaded going back out "there," but being stuck in here without him would be worse.
I then fell to my death.
@Mrs P. ROFL!
I couldn't resist. Feel free to ignore it and continue.
@Mrs. P - That was too easy...for both of us. I knew that would bring you out of hiding. Not that I'm listening. ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!
@Mary - Great idea btw!
@17foreverlisa LMAO - I howled in laughter when I read your Robsten part and @Mrs. P I totally expected that from you too :)
Shall I keep going?
@twilightcupcake - Yes, keep going, but only if you hit rewind and put Kristen back up on the balcony. LOL!!!!!
@twilightcupcake...feel free to continue, please.
My cell phone rang just then and brought me back to the present. It was my agent reminding me about the upcoming Seventeen magazine photo shoot promoting The Runaways. We went over what time my flight would be leaving London, and then I hung up the phone and set it on the nightstand. I needed a cigarette and a shower, in that order. I put the white t-shirt he had left laying on the edge of the bed on and it hung almost to my knees. I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter from the dresser and headed out onto the balcony off of our hotel room. I lit the cigarette and then looked out over the city. I dreaded going back out "there," but being stuck in here without him would be worse.
The next ten minutes were spent replaying the previous night. Things had started off just as innocently as they always did with us taking turns googling ourselves. Then the slimy paps pictures would morph into videos of our unspoken lust. The reminders of our first days together always brought me to my knees and us to bed. Shouting from beneath the balcony of angry commuters shook me from my reverie. I put out my cigarette and headed inside for a shower.
I love you, Jenny...er...twilightcupcake!!!!!
whatever works Lisa - hey do you have any nicknames??
Oh crap, did we scare everyone else off with Robsten? Oh fine, someone change it back to Bella then.
@twilightcupcake - Nothing in RL. Lots in the bloggy universe it would seem.
My very first one was given to me by Mrs. P, but she may be taking it back - Super Bloggy BFF.
Honolulu Girl at Trueblood Twilight has decided to call me Lisa P. after a character in Kristen Stewart's movie Adventureland.
Amy at MissAmyJoon (formerly Anxious About RPattz) calls me Mama Lisa.
Jen at SoTwired came up with "the innocent one."
The staff at twitter call me jailbait.
And there may be a few, like mmMoxie, Poptarrt, and Stoney, who may now refer to me as Taints***. I'm not even going to type it "out loud." Just sayin'. LOL!
@Mary - I'm getting ready to head home from work. If you want to delete my paragraph and start again, go ahead. I seriously think this is a great post idea and would love to see everyone participate. Don't let me ruin it for everyone if that's the case! XXXOOO
@Lisa I like jailbait. I suspect you may end up in twitter jail again at some point so I think it's fitting :)
I don't think we should delete the Robsten part per say but we could try putting it aside.
@Mary Yes, I agree with jailbait ;) that this is a great idea and it would be fun to see how long it goes on for.
The next ten minutes were spent replaying the previous night. Things had started off just as innocently as they always did with us taking turns googling ourselves. Then the slimy paps pictures would morph into videos of our unspoken lust. The reminders of our first days together always brought me to my knees and us to bed. Shouting from beneath the balcony of angry commuters shook me from my reverie. I put out my cigarette and headed inside for a shower.
I turned on the hot water, and as it was running I took off my earrings, and then the door swung open slowly and he came in. "Here, let me help you", he said in a husky voice (because he's sexy, not because he smokes cancer sticks). He gently takes the bottom of my shirt and pulls it over my head, and I hear him breath in as he takes a gander at my magnificent breasts.
I turned on the hot water, and as it was running I took off my earrings, and then the door swung open slowly and he came in. "Here, let me help you", he said in a husky voice (because he's sexy, not because he smokes cancer sticks). He gently takes the bottom of my shirt and pulls it over my head, and I hear him breath in as he takes a gander at my magnificent breasts.
"Where did you go?" I breathed into his ear as I struggled to take off his shirt as well."I don't like waking up lonely." I gave him the pout lip and he answered with a lopsided grin.
"Just picking up some breakfast for us. I didn't want to wake you and you know how grumpy you are without coffee. After all, you need to keep your energy up for the rest of today."
"I thought we were going to stay in bed all day," I replied.
"We are," he answered with a smirk. "And, look who I bumped into while I was downstairs."
I peeked around his shoulder and stuck my head out of the washroom. My jaw dropped. There standing stark naked was...
"Where did you go?" I breathed into his ear as I struggled to take off his shirt as well."I don't like waking up lonely." I gave him the pout lip and he answered with a lopsided grin.
"Just picking up some breakfast for us. I didn't want to wake you and you know how grumpy you are without coffee. After all, you need to keep your energy up for the rest of today."
"I thought we were going to stay in bed all day," I replied.
"We are," he answered with a smirk. "And, look who I bumped into while I was downstairs."
I peeked around his shoulder and stuck my head out of the washroom. My jaw dropped. There standing stark naked was...
an assassin.
LMAO!!! I struck again!!! Sorry...ignore it and carry on...
Lol Mrs P. poor Kristen!
An assasin with sword in hand?
oh Mrs. P. I know you can't help yourself. It's just too easy isn't it? Okay, why don't you switch it back to Bella and then write the next part.
@twilightcupcake...I wouldn't dare...I want to see Nibbles take a crack at this!
This was just what the doctor ordered for the end of my very looong day. Mrs. P you are hilarious! I love it. Can't stop laughing. All you ladies write very well too. Carry on...
@Dangrdafne Why don't you give it a shot too? :)
OMFG! It's nearly 3am and i'm in bed reading this on my phone trying not to laugh out loud, not easy! Mr stan just woke me up cos he's off to london for work for the day. Have given him "don't forget to bring me rob if you see him" instructions. ;),please carry on, i want more of this to read when i get up in *calculates* shit, 3hrs. Back to sleep x
@Twilightcupcake - ahahaha the doctor tells me to take a shot - ahahahaha - When I said this post was just what the doctor ordered I didn't expect the doctor to actually order (well ask) me to write too ;)
@Dangrdafne You are a sharp one! I totally missed my double meaning. That's what happens when I start a week off (although I've got two medicolegal reports due - God, I hate going to court!)
So, hoping to hear your addition to the story soon. Although looks like Mrs. P. is waiting for Nibbles so I'll be patient and wait for her too...but my fingers are itching to continue this Robsten fic.
peeked around his shoulder and stuck my head out of the washroom. My jaw dropped. There standing stark naked was...
an assassin.
Well he wasn't completely nekkid, he had a ninja mask covering his face and old man socks (black)on his feet, with sandals. My heart came to a screeching halt, with this terrible abuse of fashion sense. However, he quickly redeemed himself because his dong was fully erect, and ready to party. He took his fingers and began lifting the mask to reveal a beautiful sensuous mouth and aqualine nose and...
I know, I'm a cheater.
Nibbles, where are you?
Well he wasn't completely nekkid, he had a ninja mask covering his face and old man socks (black)on his feet, with sandals. My heart came to a screeching halt, with this terrible abuse of fashion sense. However, he quickly redeemed himself because his dong was fully erect, and ready to party. He took his fingers and began lifting the mask to reveal a beautiful sensuous mouth and aqualine nose and...
a lazy eye. I knew this was my chance. He swung at me with his sword but missed everytime. I was panicked...horrified. I quickly ran for the stairs and he persued me. Rob was nowhere to be found. He wasn't helping. I yelled for him and heard his voice eminating from the...
a lazy eye. I knew this was my chance. He swung at me with his sword but missed everytime. I was panicked...horrified. I quickly ran for the stairs and he persued me. Rob was nowhere to be found. He wasn't helping. I yelled for him and heard his voice eminating from the...
skies above. That was odd. Where was he? Suddenly I felt a bit faint and then everything blacked out. I woke up hearing a velvety voice calling my name.
"Bella? Bella? Can you hear me?"
I opened my eyes and rubbed them gently. Where was I? The room looked familiar and I saw welcoming faces staring back at me with worried expressions. Then, I saw the beautiful glowing topaz eyes of my love.
"Edward, what happened?" I asked.
"You bumped your head sweetheart," he said and rubbed my head gently, eliciting a small yelp from me.
"Oh sorry. You were so excited that this package arrived that you jumped up and hit your head on the shelf," he responded, nudging a small box with his foot.
"What's in the box, Edward?" I asked while trying to slowly get up.
Feeling dizzy I gripped his arms and he wrapped his arms around me.
"That's what we all want to know, Bella" answered a small voice that I immediately recognized as Alice.
"It's been making all sorts of noises and vibrating but I can't seem to see what it is," she said, looking at Edward with her annoyed confused glare.
(Hope all you Robsten haters are happy...)
YES!! we have a vibrating box and we are back on vampires...we need Nibbles BADLY!!!!!
It's 8.30am here now, I'm sure she won't be long, I'll text her to get here asap ;o)
Feeling dizzy I gripped his arms and he wrapped his arms around me.
"That's what we all want to know, Bella" answered a small voice that I immediately recognized as Alice.
"It's been making all sorts of noises and vibrating but I can't seem to see what it is," she said, looking at Edward with her annoyed confused glare.
We all stared at the box, jumping as one when it started shouting my name.
"OMFG, what is it" screamed Alice "open it now Bella you're making me crazy"
Slowly I started to peel the sellotape and paper from the box. "Wait" said Rob "have we checked to see who it's from"
"Fuck who it's from, I wanna see what's in it" Alice yelled...
"That's it" said Bella and ripped the box open. A mobile phone fell out, still squawking "Bella, Bella" as loud as possible. Tentatively I picked the phone up...."Hello"
"Thank fuck! where have you been Bella? I've been calling and calling" raged Rose into my ear.
"I've been goddamn took hostage by some lunatic women, they wanted you or Alice but couldn't get you so settled for me instead" she huffed.
"What do they want Rose" squeeked Bella
"Edward" She said in a voice that broke my heart "They want Edward"
Bwahahaha, fuck I'm supposed to be working and then I got a meeting at 12 about fucking smear tests. Whoop whoop, not, I don't wanna hear about gopping fannys and viral warts. Grrr then pick kids up, home, kid to Dr's then make a penis cake....a Nibbles work is never fucking done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
er read Edward for Rob sorry, I got all confused!!!
@Nibbles---Impressive! we have a hostage situation now. I thought for sure it would be a giant vibrating sparkle peen...but a hostage situation will do for now!!!
(Um..I have posted about sex today Nibbles, and I would like you to visit...if you don't mind. Pretty please)
"Thank fuck! where have you been Bella? I've been calling and calling" raged Rose into my ear.
"I've been goddamn took hostage by some lunatic women, they wanted you or Alice but couldn't get you so settled for me instead" she huffed.
"What do they want Rose" squeeked Bella
"Edward" She said in a voice that broke my heart "They want Edward"
"What in fucks sake do they want with me Rose" shouted Edward after ripping the phone from my hands
"Sex" replied Rose in a small voice, then roared "Can you fucking believe it?"
"um" said Alice "why did they want me or Bella-hostages?"
"er, well they wanted you for use in whatever way they wanted, there's a couple o'chicks here that really want a piece of you Ali and Bella they wanted to off. Except one that wants to save you and Edward" Rose said in a mock gooey voice.
Edward grabbed the phone back and asked " How did you get a phone?"
"The Lisa chick who loves you and Bella gave it to me to warn you. I think she's gonna get her arse kicked though there are a few rabid ho's that don't dig the Belward shit" said Rose
"OMFG, what are we gonna do? I'm not averse to a little ladie action Edward if you're not" Alice grinned. "If it get's us Rose back of course"
"Wait" yelled Rose "One more thing, Jasper!"
"what about him" said Alice
Rose said quickly "You have to find him and bring him too oh and Emmett; they want all the men, including Daddy C...."
Hahaha Mrs P, I will be there, see I brought sex to the table too hehe
ITS AN ORGYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
WTF! You can't expect me to read 40 comments, can you? Eek! This blogging thing is eating my time away, like that Packman dude.
Jelly I know and I have to go to meeting today toooo, so many blogs so little time...
"Thank fuck! where have you been Bella? I've been calling and calling" raged Rose into my ear.
"I've been goddamn took hostage by some lunatic women, they wanted you or Alice but couldn't get you so settled for me instead" she huffed.
"What do they want Rose" squeeked Bella
"Edward" She said in a voice that broke my heart "They want Edward"
"What in fucks sake do they want with me Rose" shouted Edward after ripping the phone from my hands
"Sex" replied Rose in a small voice, then roared "Can you fucking believe it?"
"um" said Alice "why did they want me or Bella-hostages?"
"er, well they wanted you for use in whatever way they wanted, there's a couple o'chicks here that really want a piece of you Ali and Bella they wanted to off. Except one that wants to save you and Edward" Rose said in a mock gooey voice.
Edward grabbed the phone back and asked " How did you get a phone?"
"The Lisa chick who loves you and Bella gave it to me to warn you. I think she's gonna get her arse kicked though there are a few rabid ho's that don't dig the Belward shit" said Rose
"OMFG, what are we gonna do? I'm not averse to a little ladie action Edward if you're not" Alice grinned. "If it get's us Rose back of course"
"Wait" yelled Rose "One more thing, Jasper!"
"what about him" said Alice
Rose said quickly "You have to find him and bring him too oh and Emmett; they want all the men, including Daddy C...."
There's a knock at the door "I smell dog" growls Alice, just as Jacob walks in.
"what the hell is going on" he asks Bella who is doing her stupid fucking lip biting act ;)
"and more importantly who the fuck is Stan, and why does she keep calling me and panting down the phone"
"Jacob" yelled Bella happily, "I'm so pleased to see you; you can use your doggy nose to help find Rose's trail"
Edward shrugged and said "Well if I'm gonna go lay a bunch of crazy ho's I wanna smell good so I'm heading to the shower....again"
"I'll come too babe" exclaimed Bella "If you're off shagging I wanna leave my mark on you"....
Leaving everyone behind in the large living room of the suite I trailed Edward into the bathroom.
"Shower or bath" he asked huskily
"Edward I don't want you doing this what if you prefer one of them to me?"
"Bella, what about Rose though" Edward gently replied
I had a sneaking suspicion he just wanted a good fucking session but if Rose was in danger....and at least Daddy C, Jasper & Emmett would be there to share the load.
"Don't worry" he said stroking my hair away from my face as he leaned in and pressed his firm, pouty lips against mine, his tongue seeking entrance to my mouth.
I groaned as his tongue met mine, my hands immediately grabbing his hair pulling him further into me, my body trying to meld with his.
"Ooohh Bella, I love when you pull my hair"
"Shhh I know" as I tugged handfuls tighter he tensed and shoved me against the wall. His hands pulling my shirt apart, buttons pinging around the room. His mouth left mine and latched onto my hard nipple, sucking and biting, his hand tugging at the other, twisting hard.
I yelped and he mumbled an apology as he trailed down my breasts and stomach, licking and biting gently until he was on his knees in front of me.
I arched my back pushing my hips forward and my wet kitty against his mouth and nose. Breathing deeply his fingers slid along my slit, back and forth just grazing my clit. I pushed against him more, his fingers sliding between my lips as I gasped.
Thoise long piano playing fingers brought joy in many womens fantasies no doubt but as they slipped all the way into me I could only smile knowing I was getting the real thing.
His tongue flicked out to lick around his fingers tasting my juices and began circling my clit as his hand began a hard thrusting motion in and out of me. Already I began to clench around those beautiful digits of his, groaning my pleasure out loud.
"That's it Bella, cum for me, then I can fuck you stupid over the bath; give me everything" he snarled into my dripping pussy "Now" he pushed another finger into me; all 5, hard as he sucked on my clit taking me between his lips. I shouted my orgasm, yelling his name as I poured myself over his hand...
Phew, um back to work now... that ok Mrs P?
*pant*
@Mary lol was that ok, I don't do fic, i tend to get a little um crazy haha
I hope no children find this pmsl
I needed a ciggie after reading it Nibbs ;)
Right will try check in later gotta go to this meeting about smear tests. I hope there isn't a slide show...ew!
Ooo maybe I will have a go at fic if I can think of owt. Stan is soooo good at it though...
@Nibbles! OMG you should def write, lol! Isn't it a little early for smut? Oh well, hubby is working from home today, ..er... be back in a bit..ahem..
You been tree climbing Becky? ;o)
I'll let someone else take the over the bath fucking!
Oh, for God's sake is nobody willing to take this on? *sigh*, ok here we go.
"That's it Bella, cum for me, then I can fuck you stupid over the bath; give me everything" he snarled into my dripping pussy "Now" he pushed another finger into me; all 5, hard as he sucked on my clit taking me between his lips. I shouted my orgasm, yelling his name as I poured myself over his hand...
As the waves subsided, Edward slid his fingers out of me, sliding his tongue over each of them in turn, savouring my juices that coated them. As he reached his pinkie finger he stopped, looking at it and then at me, then slowly reaching across and putting it to my mouth. I brought my tongue to my lips to meet it and took it into my hot mouth, sucking gently on it, moaning gently as I tasted myself.
@Stan, tree climbing lol!
Nice paragraph! You smutty pair are a hard act to follow! This story is getting far too filthy, would never be allowed on FF these days, lol!
@Mrs P - LMAO and sprayed coffee everywhere at the lazy eye!! I snorted out loud at 730am, crying!!!
@Nibbles - That was so hot!
@Stan - I don't even know where to go from there, too hot! Do we cut to the scene where they're putting cream cheese on their bagels?
"That's it Bella, cum for me, then I can fuck you stupid over the bath; give me everything" he snarled into my dripping pussy "Now" he pushed another finger into me; all 5, hard as he sucked on my clit taking me between his lips. I shouted my orgasm, yelling his name as I poured myself over his hand...
As the waves subsided, Edward slid his fingers out of me, sliding his tongue over each of them in turn, savouring my juices that coated them. As he reached his pinkie finger he stopped, looking at it and then at me, then slowly reaching across and putting it to my mouth. I brought my tongue to my lips to meet it and took it into my hot mouth, sucking gently on it, moaning gently as I tasted myself.
"Oh my God" I screamed "I taste like rancid fish!!"
"It's okay Bella, I'm used to the taste of you now" said Edward. "It's an aquired taste, sure but it's you"
I felt sick, my face was flaming red with shame. How could I have not known I had a rank fishy fanny????
muahhaahhaahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
OMG!!! I just got back here and we have definitely taken a turn, haven't we???
Is it too early for porn? In NY it might be..
Love it. Give me second to compose myself, and I shall tackle more...(I'll try to not kill her)
oooh Mrs P we commented at the same time!! Don't miss out the fishy fanny ;)
"Oh my God" I screamed "I taste like rancid fish!!"
"It's okay Bella, I'm used to the taste of you now" said Edward. "It's an aquired taste, sure but it's you"
I felt sick, my face was flaming red with shame. How could I have not known I had a rank fishy fanny????
"But Edward, how can you...stand it?" I implored.
"Not without some...difficulty," he replied, flinching and blinking hard. I knew this would cause problems. I felt terrible for him, I felt his pain. I decided I had to do one thing to fix this. Only one thing could make this better....
Nibbles wants everyone to know that she's computerless until later if at all today. Beach party is rescheduled. This was a public service announcement.
@Stan....Thank you. I will spread the word.
"Oh my God" I screamed "I taste like rancid fish!!"
"It's okay Bella, I'm used to the taste of you now" said Edward. "It's an aquired taste, sure but it's you"
I felt sick, my face was flaming red with shame. How could I have not known I had a rank fishy fanny????
"But Edward, how can you...stand it?" I implored.
"Not without some...difficulty," he replied, flinching and blinking hard. I knew this would cause problems. I felt terrible for him, I felt his pain. I decided I had to do one thing to fix this. Only one thing could make this better....
Bleach! I'd have to bleach myself clean, surely that has to be the only way I could rid myself of the vile rank fadge situation.
"Ermmm Edward, could you give me a minute please" I begged.
"sure baby, are you okay" he asked whilst backing out of the bathroom door.
"I will be" I replied as I slammed the door shut behind him.
I started running the bath, adding a healthy dollop of bleach I kept in the cabinet under the sink. I was just about to step into the scalding water when.............
@twilightcupcake - Thank you for taking Robsten out of the story.
Oh my god! It's morning here on the West Coast and I just woke up - to this. Crap is it ever too early for porn?
Very smart with the vibrating box being a phone. I was thinking Sparkly Peen too when I wrote it.
Since she technically has a medical problem you know what will happen if I take over this fic so I'll leave it to you for now.
@17foreverlisa - I had to take her out because otherwise Mrs. P. would just keep killing her off! I love that you sent her the cell phone though. That's awesome.
Bleach! I'd have to bleach myself clean, surely that has to be the only way I could rid myself of the vile rank fadge situation.
"Ermmm Edward, could you give me a minute please" I begged.
"sure baby, are you okay" he asked whilst backing out of the bathroom door.
"I will be" I replied as I slammed the door shut behind him.
I started running the bath, adding a healthy dollop of bleach I kept in the cabinet under the sink. I was just about to step into the scalding water when
The door flew open. I stood there naked, one foot on the bath mat and one hovering above the bath. I turned in horror toward the door, to see Alice standing there, her nose wrinkled in obvious disgust.
"What is that godawful rotten fish smell?" she asked, flinching backward. I scrambled into the water, horrified and unable to wait to soak my rancid undercarriage in the hot bleach. As I put my other foot down on the bottom of the bath I slipped, both feet sliding out from under me, and I submerged beneath the surface. As I scrambled back up, spluttering, I noticed that Alice was staring at my hair.
"Jasper?" she whispered....
Bleach! I'd have to bleach myself clean, surely that has to be the only way I could rid myself of the vile rank fadge situation.
"Ermmm Edward, could you give me a minute please" I begged.
"sure baby, are you okay" he asked whilst backing out of the bathroom door.
"I will be" I replied as I slammed the door shut behind him.
I started running the bath, adding a healthy dollop of bleach I kept in the cabinet under the sink. I was just about to step into the scalding water when
The door flew open. I stood there naked, one foot on the bath mat and one hovering above the bath. I turned in horror toward the door, to see Alice standing there, her nose wrinkled in obvious disgust.
"What is that godawful rotten fish smell?" she asked, flinching backward. I scrambled into the water, horrified and unable to wait to soak my rancid undercarriage in the hot bleach. As I put my other foot down on the bottom of the bath I slipped, both feet sliding out from under me, and I submerged beneath the surface. As I scrambled back up, spluttering, I noticed that Alice was staring at my hair.
"Jasper?" she whispered....
At hearing his name Jasper rushed into the now crowded bathroom. "what the hell is going on in here" he asked, taking in the scene around him. "Bella what is wrong with your hair, actually why is your skin blistering?"
Just then Bella looks down at herself and screams! She's then dragged out of the bath by Edward (here he comes to save the day...sorry, couldn't resist)
"I have to get her to Carlisle now" he said through gritted teeth, as he pushed his way past Jasper and Alice.
Bella had passed out, being a big wuss!
At hearing his name Jasper rushed into the now crowded bathroom. "what the hell is going on in here" he asked, taking in the scene around him. "Bella what is wrong with your hair, actually why is your skin blistering?"
Just then Bella looks down at herself and screams! She's then dragged out of the bath by Edward (here he comes to save the day...sorry, couldn't resist)
"I have to get her to Carlisle now" he said through gritted teeth, as he pushed his way past Jasper and Alice.
Bella had passed out, being a big wuss!
"Carlisle!" bellowed Edward, as he stormed through the house toward his fathers study.
Carlisle rushed over to Edward's side and looked at Bella "What happened Edward? Why does she smell like bleach?"
"I'm not sure. I can't read her mind. Maybe it had something to do with her BV," answered Edward.
"BV. What's that?" asked Alice.
"It's what was causing the fishy smell you found in the washroom," replied Edward.
Rosalie walked into the room smirking "Does it stand for broken vagina?"
Carlisle glared at Rosalie "No, Rose, it stands for bacterial vaginosis. She should have come to me for help."
Just at that moment Bella's eyes opened. She looked at Carlisle questioningly.
"I heard the whole conversation Carlisle. I've got a burned out va-jayjay," said Bella.
"Oh my god, is she going to die?" cried Alice.
Carlisle stifled back a chuckle "Fortunately not. I think a bit of boric acid and metronidazole should do the trick."
She took the medications from Carlisle's open palm. As she moved Bella winced looked down at her blisters "What about the burns?"
"Here's some flamazine. Put this on your wounds and they'll heal very quickly. Edward, you should take her back to bed to rest," said Carlisle handing Bella a tube of silver cream.
"Okay, shows over, everyone out," called Esme.
Edward gingerly scooped up Bella in his arms "Come now, my love, let's get you back to bed."
"Wait, why is Rosalie here? I thought she was being held hostage," said a very confused Bella.
"Oh she was but then Emmett went off to find her. He crushed the felons in record time and brought back Rose," he leaned over and whispered,"they've even had time to shag once already since she's been back. I need to get you back into bed."
Edward getly placed Bella in the bed, handing her the cream and remembering the pack of Metronidazole tablets that would clear her bacterial vaginosis right up. Thank God Daddy C is a Doc, he said it was getting clse to where I couldn't take another facefull of cod again
Edward whispered Bella are you upset, you look upset?
Well Bella, I'm really sorry I didn't get to meet the psycho ho's that were holding Rosie hostage, there's one in particular I really wanted to bang senseless....I think her name is Nibbles and she intrigues me. Her very name conjures up a great BJ in my head bwahahahahaha, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'mmmmmmmmm baaaaaaaa---aaaaaaack!
Edward whispered Bella are you upset, you look upset?
Well Bella, I'm really sorry I didn't get to meet the psycho ho's that were holding Rosie hostage, there's one in particular I really wanted to bang senseless....I think her name is Nibbles and she intrigues me. Her very name conjures up a great BJ in my head bwahahahahaha, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'mmmmmmmmm baaaaaaaa---aaaaaaack!
"Hmmm perhaps we could arrange a meeting with them" said bella "It sounds as if you were all up for a bit of group sex"
Edwards eyes lit up at the thought. "I know Jacob was intrigued at meeting Stan, and Nibbles sounds like she'd know what she'd be doing with my sparkly peen" he mused.
"how do you suppose we could go about finding them?" wondered Bella.........
All of a sudden Emmett came storming through the door.
"Edward, I think those bitches are back."
"I thought you killed them," screeched a frightened Bella.
"I thought I did too but apparently you're supposed to burn the bodies of human skanks too. I didn't know they could come back to life," said Emmett sheepishly.
Rosalie came in behind her husband.
"Dear, don't you know that those bitches were full of vile and poison themselves? What were you thinking? Where are they now?"
Emmett gestured out the window "I think I heard some cackling coming from down the road. I know it's them. There's a few there that sound nasty."
They all looked out the window. On the way down the lane were a group of women, all scantily clad and carrying whips and chains. They all looked hungry and were chanting "Edward, come out, come out whereever you are."
Emmett gestured out the window "I think I heard some cackling coming from down the road. I know it's them. There's a few there that sound nasty."
They all looked out the window. On the way down the lane were a group of women, all scantily clad and carrying whips and chains. They all looked hungry and were chanting "Edward, come out, come out whereever you are."
Edward's eyes zeroed in on the slightly bloated very mean one in the center, holding a whip. It was....Chimpsten.
OMG, you continued! I cannot believe I missed this whole thing.
Jelly - please join in! We know you write a good fic.
Thanks TC, but I cannot join now. I would have to read everything, and I haven't got the time to do that now. :(
@Jelena--I missed it too. *boo. Don't have time to read it all right now either just skimming and laughing the whole way! At work with the hubs...pay is shit but I get to shag the boss so I guess its not all bad...LOL
@Edbrella Crew--be sure to do this again for us losers who are missing out!
Edward's eyes zeroed in on the slightly bloated very mean one in the center, holding a whip. It was....Chimpsten.
“Oh. Mah. Gawd. What the fuck IS that?” Edward said as Chimpsten cracked her whip ferociously. Tearing his eyes away from her round form, Edward got a good look at the other girls with her. “Is that a bunch of fucking mis-matched dolls? You’ve got to be kidding me.” By this time, the group had made their way to the house. “We’re here for the photoshoot,” growled Chimpsten.
(I’m afraid that’s all you’ll be getting from me today. Sorry to disappoint…I just read porn, I don’t write it.)
Twiweasel LMAO Chimpsten is the best!
Will check back after dinner and add a bit then
“Oh. Mah. Gawd. What the fuck IS that?” Edward said as Chimpsten cracked her whip ferociously. Tearing his eyes away from her round form, Edward got a good look at the other girls with her. “Is that a bunch of fucking mis-matched dolls? You’ve got to be kidding me.” By this time, the group had made their way to the house. “We’re here for the photoshoot,” growled Chimpsten.
"Where the fuck is my hoodie?!" screamed Chimpsten, who was suffering from PMSL (Pre Menstrual Syndrome Lard-ass). Edward glances at Emmett and gives him the sign that they need to get out of here, right now. Not wanting to be shredded to pieces by a hormonal Chimpsten, they hail down the nearest cab and head off to their favorite dive bar for a round of pool...
What happened to my orgy lol. Anyhoo I shall be MIA, gotta go to hospital today but hopefully will be on tomorrow, maybe later tonight. Beach party delayed but be done by Saturday. Catch you guys later xxx
I just have a quick note to make today...
I little "friend" arrived in the mail yesterday. This morning all I can do is sing:
I'm walkin' on Sunshine, Whoa-o!
I'm walkin' on Sunshine, Whoa-o!
I'm walkin' on Sunshine, Whoa-o!
And don't it feel good!
Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!
Catcha ya later, hos!
So are we continuing this again today, or what?
*sigh* Guess I'll try...here goes:
"Where the fuck is my hoodie?!" screamed Chimpsten, who was suffering from PMSL (Pre Menstrual Syndrome Lard-ass). Edward glances at Emmett and gives him the sign that they need to get out of here, right now. Not wanting to be shredded to pieces by a hormonal Chimpsten, they hail down the nearest cab and head off to their favorite dive bar for a round of pool...
Meanwhile, in Volterra…
Aro, Caius and Marcus are discussing this new arrival. “Chimpsten may very well ruin everything we have built. She must be destroyed before that can happen.” Aro steepled his fingers, Caius rolled his eyes, and Marcus just looked bored, as usual. “Oh Jane, my dear. I have a job for you,” called Caius in an annoying sing song voice. After explaining the situation, Jane headed for the Cullen home, a look of determination upon her face.
“Jeez, Bella. I can’t believe you didn’t know your snatch was so dis….” Alice trailed off with glazed over eyes. Rose and Bella glanced nervously at each other, before Alice came back to herself with a start. “Those Assholes,” she yelled. “They’re fucking coming back here.”
What the fuck? You guys are no fun today. *pouts*
Too busy reading the Misapprehension of Bella Swan update! It's fab, everyone needs to read it, HunterHunting is a genius!
Not only is she a Genius...she's a wordy bitch too! Crap on a cracker, she writes some long ass chapters! (Not that I'm complaining.)
The End?
um ok, Jane heads over to wherever the heck everyone is and trys to top Chimpsten, another Ninja by the name of Nibbles who is a secret peen cake maker attacks chimpsten with a vat of vanilla butter icing and drowns her. Jane gets beaten to death with a stale chocolate swiss roll whilst Bella is suffocated by pink glimmer sprinkles and fairy cake bollocks.
Nibbles tracks down the boys at their favorite pub, beats them all at pool which turned out to be strip pool and shags each and everyone several times on the green cloth of the large pool table. Enjoying several partners at once. She is hailed heartily by everyone for ridding the world of a rancid fish fanny and Edward is forever grateful. He slavishly devotes his life to servicing me in my attic of the damned.....horny
THE END!
There ya go Z finished!
Hang on one motherfucking minute there Nibbles! Surely you can't get to shag all the hotties, 'snot fair at all!
@Nibbles - Clap Clap Clap!! Now let me in the attic, dammit!
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